welcome back charlie brown.

i've always fancied myself a modern day charlie brown. can't really do much right, feel very socially awkward, full of worries. all i need is a huge head and a yellow striped shirt. i used to litter my old livejournal with very depressing, self deprecating posts. i think i use self deprecation as kind of a self defense. like if i say how shitty i am before you do, when you do say it perhaps won't sting as much.

but this is more about me getting over that and making something of myself. put more effort into my music and my art and just hope my passion will take me somewhere. growing up is tough, and i'm nowhere near where i thought i'd be at this age. sure, my expectations were probably very unrealistic but the fact i'm not even near the realistic version of them is sad. i always thought i'd be on tour by now, in a van with my friends playing shows every other night. it's not like i still can't do that, just sad that i'm not there already. i'm sure you have something you want or wanted to be. maybe you bit the bullet and moved on with your life, aiming for something more realistic or safe. i commend you, i wish i had the strength for that. i'm too weak to pursue my dream or get an actual job. but i'm sure in time i'll find the strength to do both and more.

i wonder what some of you want to be.

i miss you internet.

as opposed to my other blog, from raunms mind, this will be full of my deeper perhaps less interesting feelings. it will be mainly to get them off my chest, but i firmly believe everyone has something they want to talk about deep inside them but they never find the nerve to. so i welcome discussion here not just about my own feelings but everyone's. i hope you find solace.